Hi Everyone, In short, I am not interested in living and am looking for suggestions. This is a long post. I wrote it myself and used ChatGPT only to improve readability. I don’t know if this is the right place to post this, but after spending a lot of time talking to AI, I wanted to hear some human perspectives. There may be parts of this post that make you think poorly of me, and that’s okay. I would still appreciate honest thoughts or suggestions. For context, I am a 30-year-old, 178 cm, 75 kg, brown-skinned North Indian man. How I’ve Been Feeling This is not a sudden feeling. For more than six years, almost daily, there has been a constant background feeling that I don’t really want to continue living. It is not exactly that I want to die. Rather, I don’t see much reason or motivation to keep living. Most people seem to have something that matters to them—something that keeps them going. For me, nothing feels important. I don’t feel much emotional attachment toward anyone—family, friends, or others. What bothers me is that, rationally, I know this is not how a person should feel. I don’t want to be like this, but I haven’t been able to change it. Family and Emotional Disconnect My father died 8 years ago and my grandfather 8 months ago. My family includes my mother, younger brother, grandmother, and extended relatives. As ugly as it sounds, I hardly feel love or emotional connection toward them. It is not due to conflict; I simply don’t feel much emotionally toward people in general. I feel pathetic about not feeling what I think I should feel toward people close to me. Friendships and Social Life I had friends until Class 12, but after that, making or maintaining friendships became difficult. I have shared rooms, eaten, cooked, played, and gone on outings with people across different places and groups. Yet even after 1–2 years living together, I never felt a real connection. I changed cities, habits, and behaviors. I even drank when others did. I genuinely tried to fit in and build connections, but I couldn’t. There is no one I genuinely want to call or message. I do message a few people, but it feels hollow. I also have almost no female connections—no sister, girlfriend, or female friends, apart from a few colleagues over time. I tried sports and the gym, but I couldn’t stay consistent. Relationships and Loss Until college, I was not interested in relationships. I had a one-sided crush in Class 10 that I never got over, even though I never saw her again. During my internship, I spent ~3 months with a group including a female colleague. I eventually fell for her—first for how she spoke, then for her as a person. More than that, I liked who I was during that time. That phase ended, but she stayed in my mind for years. For the first time, I felt a void after someone left. Earlier, being alone never bothered me; after that, it started to. I don’t even know why I am mentioning this—I’m just trying to explain my experience. Thoughts About Life and Death I have had thoughts of ending my life for around six years. The main reason I didn’t act was that I didn’t want to leave my family in financial trouble, as I am the only earning member. Because of this, I bought a term insurance policy in 2023. I kept setting “deadlines”: • after 1 year of policy • after my brother finished education • after my brother got a job • father’s death anniversary • when One Piece ends • one day before turning 30 At each point, I seriously considered it. I planned things and sometimes was even at the exact place and time. There were moments I could have acted, but didn’t. Not because I wanted to live, but because I felt like I was too much of a coward—similar to how I feel about approaching people socially. Even then, I never wanted it to look intentional. I would prefer it appear accidental so no one feels guilty. Self-View I know I am a boring person. For the last four years, anime—especially One Piece—has been one of the few things keeping me going. I am an introvert, an overthinker, and have had sleep issues for at least 10 years. Until around 2019, I genuinely didn’t understand why people cheated in relationships. I couldn’t comprehend it. I was that naive, and still partly am. Where I Am Now I don’t actively want to die. I just don’t see a point in living when nothing makes me look forward to tomorrow. My brother has many qualities I lack. The only thing missing is income. Sometimes I think if he received insurance money, his life might be better than both of us struggling. I also worry about the future. I don’t feel I can manage alone. If I marry, I fear I won’t provide emotional support or physical intimacy (I’ve never experienced it and worry I may be impotent). I also fear betrayal, and even if nothing happens, I feel it would hurt deeply regardless. So overall, I don’t like my past or present, and I’m fairly certain I won’t like the future.
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💬 Comments (14)
Please also try once to learn meditation. If you want I can suggest some center close by and sing kiirtan loudly. Your GOD is your only true friend and connection.
Please visit a psychologist. You need help. I'm sure you'll feel better soon enough. Low self-esteem is very difficult to deal with. Life is precious and many are denied the gift of life. Visit a hospital and you'll return grateful for everything you've been blessed with. Have faith in yourself.
You've been carrying this pain for far too long. Please don't fight it alone anymore. Reach out to a mental health professional. The fact that you've held on for six years tells me a part of you still wants help. Hold on to that part.
Pls talk to a therapist You are valuable, if this story is real, my heart sinks 🙏
Out of all the things, one thing that stands out is ‘I feel pathetic about not feeling what I SHOULD feel towards people’. If you have the guts to remove all the ‘should s’ from your life, you will be able to live peacefully. Who decides how one should feel, or behave, or do, or act, or whatever? It’s you and only you who can decide for yourself. Accept yourself the way you are, the way you feel, the way you behave or the way you act. There’s no one beyond YOU. You are here for yourself. Find the ways to live to the fullest before you decide to say goodbye.
You should’ve thought about therapy sooner but now is also not late and if possible take leave for a month and go stay at Isha Yoga Centre, tell your concerns hopefully the meditation and the lifestyle there will give you purpose.
Bro ,I have been through all this ,committed suicide 4 times I think ,one in 2009,then twice in 2013 and once last November, never succeeded, and I was diagnosed with maniac depression in 2004 ,now I am bpd patient .. a few things are helping me rtnow I have a fur baby ,he keeps me positive and alive, I workout ..I know I should go through medications as well but it makes me feel sleepy so I avoid it .. won't lie I often thinks of doing something in my upcoming birthday but I won't I hope .u think u too need medical help ,please go to a psychiatrist, u re going through clinical depression.. and I am rt here ,m like a sister to u ,if u ever feel ,ping me ,we both are going through the same ,it might help
I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. There was a time in my life when I couldn't see a reason to keep going either. I don't think I truly wanted to die. I simply couldn't see a reason to live, just like you. Depression, isolation, emotional numbness, and feeling alone even in crowds was my life for years. I really wish I'd gone to therapy back then, and I'd strongly recommend that you do. Please don't give up. I truly believe there's light at the end of this tunnel, even if you can't see it right now. Feel free to reach out to me via text if you'd like to talk to someone. I can genuinely understand a lot of what you're going through.
First I'm glad to see another anime fan and one piece ...i would suggest watching Naruto !! Coming to your situation I felt the same...maybe sometimes I still feel that way ....I would suggest not to lose hope . For me football helped me through various phases and it's still helping me ...so don't worry you will get something that will excite you !! If not just remember Luffy smiles even through pain still goes on ...if you remember the scene when kuma transferred the pain to zoro ...so there are much to learn and find joy in our life even through pain . Also if you are reading this you can ping me anytime!!
Isliye hi kaha gya hv good friends ..u don't hv good friends or u hv not maintained it.. U can go for a date with a girl u. Will change .. U see u hv purpose to live Ur mother who is god to u..wake up ..
You have a slave mentality. You need a master. You lack goal and ambition in life. That's why you feel so. You should join some NGO or other welfare organisations. You shall have plenty of tasks to fulfil. Don't waste your life. Dedicate it to a greater cause.
Dying is too easy man. Living with this stupid reality is difficult. All the world is a pool of mud, just think how you can get out of this mud. By killing yourself, sure, but that is easy and what if that also goes wrong. Then you will be bed ridden for your whole life. So how to escape this mud? No escape, just deal with it. Living is more challenging than dying. You have to like something. I like maggi, i like tea. Yes, i like Maggi so much that every sunday, i eat Maggi. And i live whole week just to eat that Sunday Maggi. That's It.
Try spirituality. Find a good honest guru, spend time at ashram or in spiritual places. There is positive and uplifting energy around spiritual places. Like someone suggested, meditation is the best, simplest and cheapest practice to change life for better. Learn meditation and practice meditation. Purpose of life is make it better, for yourself and others. Do that.
Please visit a psychiatrist once, what you are experiencing will need a proper diagnosis. It’s good that you are venting out here. But you need help. Gather all your courage and please give yourself a shot. Visit a psychiatrist.