Female 29 , CTC doesn't matter There are days when I wonder what "home" is supposed to feel like. People often assume that if parents are alive, they must be your biggest support system. I used to believe that too. I grew up in a family where my father always chose alcohol over us. My mother spent most of her life crying, fighting with him, and trying to keep the family together. Financially, I started contributing at a very young age because I had no choice. I gave tuition, sold my paintings, gave up my dream career, and eventually got a job. As soon as I started earning, I became responsible for almost everything—household expenses, bills, clothes, family functions, and helping relatives whenever someone asked. I never expected my parents to repay me. I only hoped they would understand me one day. Instead, I often feel like my worth is measured by how much I can give. If I don't answer a phone call immediately, I'm accused of ignoring them. If I say I need to end a conversation because they're busy, I'm told I don't want to talk. If I refuse to send money to relatives every time someone asks, I'm made to feel selfish. When I cry after hearing all this, I'm told I'm overreacting. The most confusing part is that my mother isn't entirely unsupportive. She genuinely cares for me in many ways. She cooks, helps around the house, and looks after me. But when it comes to my father or her own side of the family, I always feel like I become the last priority. It's painful because I know she loves me, yet I also feel unseen. Now I'm about to become a mother myself, and all I want is peace. I want to protect my baby from constant stress. I want my home to feel calm. I want to experience this phase with happiness instead of guilt, blame, and emotional exhaustion. But I'm struggling with one question: How do you set healthy boundaries with parents you genuinely love, especially when they have also hurt you? How do you accept their help without allowing the emotional burden that often comes with it? Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you protect your own mental peace without feeling like a bad daughter? I hope this helps you express both the love and the hurt in your situation while inviting thoughtful responses from others.
Loving your parents and setting boundaries are not mutually exclusive. You can be grateful for the things your mother has done for you while still acknowledging that some of her choices and your father’s behaviour have hurt you. You have spent a large part of your life carrying responsibilities that were not necessarily yours to carry. Now that you are becoming a mother, it is reasonable to prioritise your own emotional stability and your child’s wellbeing. Saying “I cannot do this” or “I need some space” does not make you a bad daughter. Boundaries also don't have to mean cutting people off. They can be practical, deciding how much money you can contribute, when you are available for calls, which conversations you will participate in, and what behaviour you will no longer tolerate. If accepting someone's help repeatedly comes with guilt, criticism or control, it is also okay to reduce your dependence on that help where possible. Most importantly, you don't have to keep proving your love through sacrifice. Your parents can be important to you without being entitled to unlimited access to your time, money or emotional energy. Be respectful, be clear, and be consistent. You cannot control whether they understand or accept your boundaries, but you can control how much you allow their reactions to affect your life. Protecting your peace, especially as you prepare to raise your own child, isn't selfish, it is responsible.
One suggestion out of experience. Came from similar family background. Due to constant stress during pregnancy because of my mother I ended up giving birth early and my kid turned out to be special child. So please please stay out of stress. Your parents or any parents are not worth it.
Don't worry about setting 'healthy' boundaries. Just set boundaries! And if anyone ever tries to cross them, kick them!!
Well simple, increase your maturity level, your peace, poise , and equanimity....they will be benefitted thereby by your presence too...so where is reason to worry? Hire a part time musician, let them listen to bhajans n folklore, see the change it can bring to them, instead of groaning & growling you, see them getting happier by the day...just one of the examples how enriching yourself can enrich entire ecosystem beginning from your family, shed all those boundary concerns..
Be done with it. Indian parents are usually very toxic. They train their kids to think the parents are god and have done “so” much… the kids should take care of them or pay back by studying/achieving success that helps them show off. Don’t pass your generational trauma to your baby ( I am guessing a girl, let me know later). Limit calls/sharing information with them. Be passive listener or let them complain you are unavailable, excuse yourself saying not feeling well etc, do not welcome them to your home, do not let them use your baby the way they did to you. Let the abuse stop here, with you!
Since now you are going to have a child, the most important responsibility for you is towards your child. Mental, emotional, physical and financial responsibilities. Stop giving them money and start saving that money for your child and for your future. You have done ENOUGH. They need to be adults about things and stop expecting from you. They need to be responsible for their own finances. Start telling them that you need to focus on your baby and your finances and you can't send money to them anymore or do anything. Stop giving in to their pressure, please! I also think they might not help you with raising your child so you need to save up for the nanny. Please be smart about your choices and stop letting them exploit you.
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