Hi F 34 I married since 9 years and have 2 children boy and girl, purely arranged marriage through matrimonial site both of us are working at that time he is not having any past relationship with anyone before and I have a relationship lasted for 6 months with zero physical intimacy and I am pure virgin at the time of marriage. Let me explain first 5 years simply. Since we both don’t have physical relationship we both are slow to consumate marriage. Both of our environments are very different with basic values are similar in 2 families we have horrible issues in understanding, he disrespected my family many times and I could not digest and hence gradually lost interest in him and when we are discussing about separation Covid fell on us and we both are at home and hence came my pregnancy after 6 months of Covid he is actually good at caring and providing, but every time he comes near to me I remember that harse husband who hurted me and my family badly hence I avaoided physical intimacy after my son is born he asked multiple times some times I gave up sometimes I stopped sometimes I resisted but never told him I am not interested. Later my daughter was born and again we took good gap and we moved to USA. He changed a lot stopped hurting my parents me and leading a reasonably good life with almost no fights. We both discuss things and perform accordingly. He is a great father and to society he is a great husband too. Still even after 10 years of marriage I could not let him touch me heart fully sometimes he gets hurt and hurts me too as he is not able to stop himself from have physical with me. Yesterday I told him I am not interested and please don’t force me to do this. He understood and stepped back. This looks small but this is my biggest problem now. Every time I gets ready little, he falls on me and sometimes I wonder should I get ready or not to face any consequences. I remember how he hurted me and my parents repeatedly. I am simple girl who doesn’t get attracted to materialistic things and stays deveotional respects elders understands everyone’s wants and behave accordingly. I only want to be good mother and help my children grow in right direction. I teach them lot of morals.
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💬 Comments (33)
I now have a strong feeling that you allowed him indirectly to have relation with other lady outside. What he did to you and your parents is absolutely incorrect and wrong, but this is one side of the conversation. There could be a reason why he behaves like this. Nevertheless, you should speak to him in the right environment with right time with right words. If there is a human, there is a past, there are marks left that is irrevocable, non erasable, but should I carry forward with them in present and future to ruin or should I keep that aside and live life is a choice you are to take.
Couples counseling and therapy 👍🏻if you wanna save your marriage else get divorced as simple as that . Why waste your youth keeping grudges about past.
Just be honest with yourself-Have you ever hurt him, insulted him, or blamed him or his family? He is respecting you even though he has every right to be upset, but you are still looking for revenge. Pointing fingers at each other's families is quite common between husband and wife during arguments. But when your family goes through a difficult situation, a good husband will stand by them and support them. A man who genuinely cares for his children is usually a good father and, more often than not, a good husband too.
Your reason is valid but since he changed you might consider therapy. You need professional help. Maybe he can be more romantic, take you out on dates.
Set the dude free. If you can't love him, let him love somebody else.
With out fire there is no smoke
Well there isn’t any problem maam many things happen in marriage ,intact we all r facing but if the issue is not that big we try to stay n if u think u can’t get physical coz of the said reason then please ur husband about it directly as u only said u r hurting him … above all u r not staying with ur parents anymore but u r staying with ur kids n hubby
He hurt you in the past, and it left a deep scar. You need emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. Your resistance comes from deep pain. He’s changed now. But feeling deprived may make him feel unwanted, which can backfire. Talk, understand each other, and sort it out. Seek counseling if needed.
It is deeply understandable that you are carrying this emotional weight, as the pain of past disrespect toward you and your family cannot simply vanish just because your current circumstances have improved. Your husband’s positive changes, your love for your children, and your desire to maintain a peaceful household do not invalidate the trauma and emotional walls that built up during those difficult first five years. Healing from deep emotional wounds takes time, and forcing physical intimacy when your heart and mind still remember the hurt will only cause further internal conflict. The fact that you finally spoke your truth and he respected your boundaries is a significant and brave step forward. To navigate this complex bridge between the painful past and a more stable present, you might consider professional couples counseling or individual therapy; this can provide a safe space to process that lingering resentment, address the fear that comes with just getting dressed up, and explore whether genuine emotional reconciliation and intimacy can ever be rebuilt on your own terms.
He is changed.. Then u too change
What did you mean by "Every time I gets ready little, he falls on me and sometimes I wonder should I get ready or not..." What is "get ready"?
You and he should both attend counseling. You both have a love and hate relationship. As a wife you have no right to refuse your husband of intimacy thats the basic foundation of bonding and trusting each other. We hear only one side of the story but it take to hands to clap Tango. You both will need to redeem yourselves and now start focusing on the future of your kids. Once married your husband becomes your partner they say "Until death do us apart" you seem to swallow certain parts of your narration but let me be straight you may be having a secrecy admirer. Let's face facts this is usual when one gets drawn to a new direction hatred and disgust is automatically developed to your spouce. You emphasis of being a good mother then for heaven sake put these petty domestic issues and make a difference to the family. In law arguments exist in most arranged or propose marriage purely due to the climate of new lifestyle. Take some moments and dwell in prayer question your all mighty and he will find a solution to all your problems. This is not a place to seek marital reconciliation this place can make it worse and you will end in a much more confused state. Place your family before your own self . God Bless
Morals or physical or our own prism of things Alone are not life... It should be on give and take policy... U ur self said before covid and post covid... Be flexible and enjoy life .. nothing is permanent in this short spell of life on Earth.
Ma'am, let me be very direct with you—this is a completely one-sided story, and the only person you are fooling with this narrative is yourself. Either you have been deliberately turning a blind eye to your own wrongdoings all these years, or you have genuinely never realized the extent of your mistakes—and frankly, both possibilities are equally damaging. You are very, very wrong here if you think you are the innocent party in this equation. Let's not pretend that your husband woke up one day and decided to act out of nowhere. Behind every action he took, there must be at least a thousand reasons that you gave him—reasons that compelled him, pushed him, and forced him to reach that breaking point. But of course, it is always easier to point fingers at someone else and blame them entirely, just to justify your own shortcomings and avoid looking in the mirror. That is convenient, but it is not the truth. Now, if I had been in his shoes, let me tell you exactly how I would have handled things from start to finish. First, I would have been patient—extremely patient. I would have waited, requested, and tried my level best to persuade you for years—maybe four or even five long years—to help you understand one fundamental truth: physical intimacy is not a luxury or an option in a healthy marriage; it is as basic and essential as food, water, and air. Ignoring that need is not a small oversight—it is a slow poison. By continuously neglecting that aspect of the relationship, you are essentially allowing the marriage to wither away and die a slow, painful, and agonizing death. After those years of explanations and pleading, if nothing changed, I would have given you a clear and fair warning. I would have sat you down and told you point-blank that I will start going outside this marriage to fulfill that physical need, because I refuse to live like a monk while being married. And if even after that warning, you still showed no improvement, no effort, and no willingness to understand—then I would have followed through without any guilt. And do not be mistaken, ma'am—it is far easier than you think for a man to find sex outside. There is no shortage of options, so do not ever assume that your husband is stuck or helpless. Once I reached that stage, I would have completely eliminated that need from you altogether. I would have stopped seeing you as a partner in that sense and removed you entirely from the equation of my intimate life. I would have made peace with the fact that you are no longer part of that side of my world. Then, I would have simply focused on living my life alongside our child—being a present parent, fulfilling my duties, and maintaining the household for the sake of the kid. I would have spoken to you only when absolutely required, keeping conversations minimal, transactional, and strictly about logistics or the child's well-being. And yes, it would have taken time—maybe months or even years—to completely detach emotionally and physically. But eventually, I would have made you free from all expectations of me as a husband. You could then fully devote yourself to being a good mother, a good daughter, or whatever role you preferred, because clearly, being a wife was never your priority. So before you play the victim, take a long, hard look at the mirror and ask yourself—who really pushed whom to this point?
u know what is one of the good morals to inculcate? माफ कर देना ,try. it will heal you also or else the negativity will eat you both alive.
he is not a rogue to hurt or talk bad about ur parents, tell first what u did and what u spoke about him and his parents without telling that why u blame him all the time...if u r keeping grudge for the words spit in anger and not forgiving him think what will happen if he does the same back to you? as per ur statement u say u both had fight and understanding issue then how come u blame him alone and taking revenge on him like this...if u continue to do this u r going to lose him for sure...so be ready for it
You need to let go of the past and be happy!!
If a person changing in a good direction Being more responsible then also he is wrong Or a girl with a stubborn nature is wrong ? U would also b stubborn in other situations also.. Marriage needs flexibility...not rigidness This is the reason these days we hear divorce cases a lot.... sometimes u have to be flexible sometimes he....but u already told he is changing for good.. Where is your effort to change ?
Go to therapy and couple counselling to help you to help the relationship
You might be demisexual. Google more about it.
Looks like she is the root cause
You need Therapy
Hello medam i help you
You have opened all the doors for him to have extra marital affairs by doing this...and indirectly opening yours too...coz we are all humans and intimacy is a part of our life...its either you found someone or lost your desire recalling the past... Well done you're the reason now for all the misunderstanding and downfall from now on....!!!
Wake up
At a recent family function, another friend jokingly asked my happily-married cousin if he would choose the same wife in his next life. He bluntly answered, "No." Shocked, I pulled him aside privately. His reasoning was heartbreaking. He feels she only married him for his money, intimacy is practically non-existent, and the kids completely side with their mother. He simply concluded, "In my next life, I don’t want this wife or these kids."
Now you are 34 means means you would have married at 25.Now a days atleast 60% of current generation are not in a luxury to get married at that age and 25-40 is prime age of a human being to have happy se*ual life and you punished yourself and him without spending your time happily. i am sure during the verbal fight you also would have scolded his parents. his parents thought him the art of moving on but your parents not.
Sometime i feel this page is always posting some random cooked up stories not the real ones..
He should get 2nd wife immediately
What a foolish girl to carry such resentment and toxic waste inside......that means even when one is talking normally and being loving or even during love making you are carrying the bitterness and angst and poision.....omg, are you a human or a rat!???? What kind of human being are you.....who doesn't know forgiveness......this is cruelty of the highest level....and chori chupke, in the name of love, under the banner of mariage, you are ill treating and making or trying to make his life hell ....you are a monster and criminal ... who should be thrown out of marriage and all relationship for being a traitor deep inside.... Believe me Karma will get back to you in such harsh manner as the intention is what is karma (not even the doing), so everyday you are doing bad karma and evil and be ready to face the wrath of Karma.... Never carry poison inside, if you can't forgive or forget, atleast when the other person is normal or loving, avoid being hatefull and vindictive.....this wil save yourself from you, forget the other person, first do justice to yourself and correct your Antakarana / make it shudh & pure, else you living life of a Animal, no matter how good it looks or how nicely you hide it from the outside world including your husband.
This is just plain ego and youre so evil to let him be there for you so many years and still carry anger. Just divorce him ....cause everyone makes mistakes and theyre not beyond redemption but you seem to give more importance to your ego
You are being selfish, nothing else. And probably a low libido in disguise of some nonsensical issues. My empathy with that poor guy.