Comments for Post #C28025

She was my first love but she blocked me without answers

29 | Kolkata | M WARNING: A VERY LONG POST. “Kabhi dil hi nahin karta, zara sa bhi nahin karta; gaya hai tu tabhi se main mohabbat bhi nahin karta. Aur mere dil ke makaan par is qadar qabza kiya tune, kiraya bhi nahin deta aur khaali bhi nahin karta.” Within the concrete walls of corporate life, sometimes you meet an injured soul and try to heal her with all your heart. But while helping someone heal, you slowly become attached. One day, the bird heals, spreads her wings and flies away. The hardest part isn't that she leaves, but that she leaves without a proper goodbye. I can't complain; she never asked me to heal her. My foolish heart simply chose to stay. For the first 26 years of my life, I had never been in a relationship or romantically close to a girl. I was happy with football, friends, night rides, jokes and late-night food. I was shy and never considered myself particularly good-looking or rich. I never wanted a relationship just for physical intimacy. I had many female friends, captained my school and college football teams and was a college CR for four years. But if I ever chose someone, I wanted it to mean something. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believed intimacy should come with something real or after marriage. We met at my previous Kolkata office two years ago. She was a simple, seemingly kind Bengali girl—the kind you'd proudly introduce to your parents. “Roope Lakshmi, gune Saraswati.” She always felt out of my league. Slowly, we became close—office lunches, momos, Domino's, walks, jokes, weekend outings, gossip, long conversations and taking longer routes home just to spend more time together. She was recovering from a painful breakup after being cheated on. Whenever she shared her pain, I simply wanted to make her laugh because seeing her happy made me happy. Her attention, laughter and vulnerability made me deeply attached. She was the first girl who ever cried in front of me. I expected nothing; I simply wanted her presence in my life. Somewhere along the way, friendship became something more for me. I thought I was seeing green signals, so I confessed. She never said no. She simply told me not to keep too many expectations. But after that, we grew even closer—emotionally and physically. I thought she was taking her time, and that my honesty, loyalty and commitment might eventually win her over. Later, I understood: “You can't make someone love you by loving them more.” “Woh toh apni tanhaai ki khaatir aa mile humse; hum hi nadaan the jo yeh samajh baithe ki humaari duaon ka asar hai.” We became almost like a couple, just without a name. She never wanted to define the relationship. I had my first kiss with her, and for me, it meant much more than a physical moment. I took her home and introduced her to my mother because somewhere in my mind, I felt she might be the person I had been looking for. She leaned on my shoulder. We shared the last bite of ice cream, laughed endlessly, held hands, spent time together in cabs and around the office campus, and went out on weekends. Did those moments mean nothing? Maybe they meant something different to her, but to me, they meant everything. Slowly, I felt she was a BMW and my budget was an i10. She seemed to expect a lifestyle I couldn't afford, while I wanted to give her my time, loyalty, care and a place in my life. I never saw her as an option. My only wish was to have her presence in my life; even her friendship would have been enough. After almost six months of being this close, she still didn't give the relationship a name. I started wondering whether my salary, lifestyle or circumstances weren't enough. So I thought a better job and salary might help me win her over, and I left Kolkata for a new job in the South, just a week before Durga Puja. On my last day in Kolkata, I stood in the middle of the road, crying and asking her to stay in my life in any form. Before leaving, I genuinely believed I meant something to her. But within a month of joining my new office, she told me she had found someone else. I cried like a child that day and for the next week. She was my first love—the first girl I had ever been so emotionally and physically close to. Going from unlimited daily calls, messages and video calls to no calls and extremely late replies made me feel like I was begging for her attention. Then, in February, she blocked me. Now I keep asking myself—did I make a mistake by taking her seriously instead of treating everything casually? How could I treat her casually when she was at her lowest point? I can't treat someone's daughter casually just for my own happiness. Could she not have kept me as a simple colleague? Many colleagues spoke badly about her behind her back, yet she is still friends with them while I am blocked. I was loyal to her and would have stood by her. Was I not able to make her believe that I could never be a threat to her? Her last Instagram post to me said, “Why does someone who feels like home have to stay so far away?” After meeting that guy, she told me on WhatsApp that we'd be friends forever. But eventually, she blocked me on Instagram and WhatsApp too. I saved my last message to wish her on her birthday instead of asking why. I wished her even after being blocked, but never received a response. Now I know terms like “benching” and “friends with benefits.” Is that what happened to me? Was I simply someone she needed until she didn't need me anymore? Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. I don't know. She came into my life when she needed someone. I cared, listened, gave her my time and attention, and a piece of my heart. Then everything changed, leaving me questioning: where did I go wrong? It's been more than six months, and I still haven't been able to move even an inch. I can still remember the warmth of her skin, the touch of her hands and what it felt like to hold them. I struggle to stop my tears, sometimes even while taking a bath. I go to sleep with a heavy heart. I haven't been able to return home because somewhere inside, I feel like a loser in front of my family. My parents are asking me to get married, but I don't know how to process all of this. “Main bhool jaaun tumhein, ab yehi munaasib hai. Magar bhulaana bhi chaahoon to kis tarah bhoolun? Ke tum to phir bhi haqeeqat ho, koi khwaab nahi. Yahaan to dil ka ye aalam hai, kya kahun kambakht, Bhula saka na ye woh silsila jo tha hi nahi. Woh ek khayaal jo awaaz tak gaya hi nahi, Woh ek baat jo main keh nahi saka tum se. Woh ek rabt jo hum mein kabhi raha hi nahi. Mujhe hai yaad woh sab jo kabhi hua hi nahi.” I have only one question I ever wanted answered: “Was there anything from my side that hurt you so much that you had to block me? Did I mean nothing to you? Was I really that replaceable?” That's all. Not to blame her, get her back or ask her to choose me. Just to understand. Does this happen to others too? How do you move on when you genuinely loved someone, never treated them casually, and still couldn't make them stay? Should I meet her once, or call her from a different number just to ask that one question and get closure? Or should I accept that some questions will never have answers? “Rukhsat hua to aankh mila kar nahin gaya, Wo kyun gaya hai ye bhi bata kar nahin gaya. Wo yun gaya ki baad-e-saba yaad aa gayi, Ehsaas tak bhi hum ko dila kar nahin gaya. Yun lag raha hai jaise abhi laut aayega, Jaate hue charagh bujha kar nahin gaya. Rahne diya na us ne kisi kaam ka mujhe, Aur khaak mein bhi mujh ko mila kar nahin gaya.” Ek baar ekta closure diye dao, please... Tumi khub bhalo mey. I'm writing this from my side, through a heart that is still hurting. I know I may have misunderstood many things, and this is only my version of the story. But I don't hate her. In my eyes, she is still a wonderful girl, a loving daughter, and someone who can make a beautiful wife and mother someday. I can never wish anything bad for her. Maybe the situation made her do what she did, but did I mean nothing to you? I don't want her back anymore. I just wish I could understand what happened. Maybe someday I'll accept that some people enter our lives to teach us something, not to stay forever. I'll do my best to become a better person in this life. And if there really is another life, maybe I'll get my chance there. Thank you for everything. You will always be my priority.