Comments for Post #C27971

On the basis of this account of what has happened in these last 7-8 months - You have acted very maturely and responsibly. Very good decision to instantly pause or call off the marriage preparation in front of all related parties. This leaves no ambiguity in anyone else's mind. Now about your final questions, these are my opinion and arguments : 1. Her remorse can be genuine or maybe even panic response. But the crux of the whole matter is that this realization is too late in this arrangement. 2. Those statements, even if one forgive it for saying them, one cannot ignore it and pretend as if those things were not said, and, later if those statements come to fruition in the marriage - whom are you going to hold responsible then - her? Yes certainly, but you wont be able to see your ownself in your eyes in the mirror - as you went ahead knowingly the cracks in the foundation. That's furthermore devastating. 3. Always believe in second chances, not everyone is perfect nor everyone will do right thing in the first attempt everytime. BUT, in this case, she already had her second chance - when you hit the pause, after that was the second time - to come clean and have talks which would solidify the foundation. She did not. She kept pretending everything jolly good. She had the third chance when she confessed and you called off the marriage. But she chose to beg and plead but again chose not act maturely to have a serious discussion about the relation on how really she will fix it or make attempts to fix it before even considering about marriage. Just merely saying out loud their Secret without considering the current context and the consequences is a real indicator that this girl is not willingly ready for the marriage at the first place.. therefore anything next or any course corrections are all reactive measures. Marriage won't sustain with such reactive measures on these topics.. these should have been preemptively sorted out before going deeper into seeking alliances. Tldr: These incidents are quite common these days. Girl or Boy are not mentally ready to get married other than someone who are their ex or current partner. In this case, the girl has been really mature, contrary to yourself, and I think that is enough of a barometer of a successful arrange marriage - there is no mental compatibility... let alone physical. Lastly, she deserves a second chance.. BUT that shouldn't be by you. She deserves a second chance to get her act together, become more mature and be more mentally ready for getting married with someone else next.

If u wanna forgive her ; forgive her , but leave her . If she wanna commit su***** , let her its not up to you. Pack ur bags and dont look back….. Run as far as possible from her and anything related to her….

Walk away that's the best solution , don't try to fix something which you didn't break.

From the timeline given, I don't think the main issue is simply that she thought about her ex during intimacy. People can have unresolved feelings from previous relationships, and intrusive thoughts alone don't necessarily make someone incapable of loving a new partner. The bigger concern is the pattern, she repeatedly expressed doubts, was given space to decide, later explicitly said she was still emotionally attached to her ex, said she didn't feel deeply attached to you, and most importantly stated that she wouldn't put effort into making the marriage work. Those aren't minor comments to brush aside. Her reversal after the breakup may be genuine, but it could also be the shock of losing the relationship, family expectations, or fear of consequences. At this stage, you don't have enough evidence to know which it is. Tears, apologies and promises aren't proof of changed feelings, consistent behaviour over time is. If you even consider another chance, it should not mean restarting the engagement. The marriage should remain completely off the table. Both of you would need individual counselling, and only later, if there is genuine clarity, couples counselling. There should be no pressure from either family and no predetermined deadline for reconciliation. Most importantly, don't go back because you feel responsible for her emotional crisis. Her safety should be handled by her family, trusted friends and qualified mental health professionals, not by sacrificing your own boundaries. Personally, I would treat her confession as serious information rather than something that needs to be "fixed." You don't have to hate her or label her a bad person to decide that she isn't emotionally ready, or isn't the right partner, for marriage with you. Sometimes walking away isn't giving up on love, it's accepting that both people need to freely choose the relationship, and one person's desperation after losing it isn't the same thing as having chosen it in the first place.

You don't want a simple answer but the answer is very simple 'RUN' 🏃🏃🏃

Read about disorganized attachment that's severely unhealed with a phantom ex syndrome. You'll get your answers with a 3-4 day deep dive better than any FB page. You'll know why you just dodged a major bullet

I have never been so close in arranged marriage setup but I can reflect on how a woman thinks. Well, a phobia about marriage and the impending change of circumstances is real. But she is certainly not fully healed from whatever baggage she carries. Also, no person that is wholly serious will go such extremes, or risk abandoning someone she cares. She is pleading you because she sees a scope of a better future without investing much effort in it. You can give her another chance, but this will cost you your self respect, decision making ability, confidence and usher an era of mistrust in women. It doesn’t seem that she can deliver a good life, and all the happy memories are just good times she enjoyed your love, attention. But she will not contribute, entire load will be yours. We deserve better, all of us. Peace, if not anything. Choose that. This woman is the chapter called trauma in your life.

Brother, I went through a similar situation. The major difference is when you started moving into dating mode during March, I called everything off inspite of her repeated plea. Sometimes I still get updates about her, and thank God I made the right decision. I was deeply wounded at the time, but looking back, I know I did what was best for me. You know what to do, man!

Buddy please run away to the opposite direction!!

Having a past relationship is absolutely okay but the person who is promising you to build a future with you should be mindful of this and should try to move on from the ex. If she hasn't moved on, then I think it will be the worst decision to marry someone who have unresolved feelings..

It takes 7 years for your body cell to replace. So there are chances that these episodes would continue until she is completely out of his ex.

This is painful to read. You gave her every out - multiple times you said "you can leave amicably" and she chose to stay. You paused the wedding when she had doubts, you prioritized her. And still she kept you in limbo while being emotionally with someone else. Thinking of an ex during intimacy isn't a mistake, it's a boundary crossed. If she can do that now, resentment will only grow after marriage. Don't get trapped by the post-breakup guilt and those concerning messages. You handled it maturely by informing her friend. Give yourself time. No second chance for marriage. If at all, only friendship after 6+ months of complete no-contact and only if she has done her own inner work. Your self-respect has to come first here.

Its very natural for a person to think about their ex, if the relationship didn't get the required closure. She has a baggage but that's normal for many people who have been in serious relationships. Atleast she spoke about it before the wedding...not many do. However, now that you know, she has a leverage of 'I already told you everything about myself'. Hence there is a high chance that if you both get married, its not going to be a healthy relationship, until she moves over her ex. There would be comparisons, doubts & accusations. Also it seems that either she is too simple to trust anyone & speak her heart out or she is immature. Either ways, the responsibility would lie on you to keep the relationship stronger. Hence if you are not deeply too attached with her, it would be wise to close the chapter here & move on. But in case otherwise, you can give it a shot, be on dating mode for another 6 months and check clarity and then decide. Life is too long and 6 months just passes by. People change & evolve. She will too.

Hats off to you for handling the entire situation with such maturity. She might genuinely regret losing you, or she may simply be reacting to family pressure..there’s really no way to know for sure. What concerns me more is the way she handled the situation in the first place. It came across as extremely reckless and immature. Her actions suggest a lack of emotional stability and maturity, and that, in my opinion, is one of the biggest red flags in a relationship. No matter how sorry she may be now, what happened has already shown you how she handles difficult situations and emotional pressure. My advice would be to protect your peace, trust what you’ve already experienced, and simply walk away.

In short you already know the answer which is obvious..

Talking as a woman, move on bro. She might be genuinely asking for a second chance, probably would make efforts. But a woman can love deeply, and can take even a lifetime to forget that person. There would always be a chance of "probably would make a half hearted effort". You don't deserve this. Forgive her, and move on.

You are very mature. Isiliye kehte h..dont confess anything to anyone.😅 Well the girl is still in trauma with her ex memories & somewhat depressed. She could not process the fact this way with you because all she imagined these beautiful moments with her ex. You gave her everything...she was feeling the pain of not being loyal to you. This confession was needed from her side...she trusted you & have always felt you to be mature...hence confessed. At times when we are happy inside...we can't digest it.😅we vomit thinking the other person would understand. .. But the fact is...she is still living in her dreams not in reality that makes the situation sick for both of you..n specially her. ... After her confession she could have waited few days to talk to you again. She is emotionally immature or implusive. One thing i don't understand how without being emotionally invested she got physical with you. I think she likes you..a part of her still wants to be with you...it is that she has not dealt things inside her & completely closed her prev chapter. It takes time....when she got you...she got the butterflies n everything she asked for... She needs time to process that it is with you. She now realized that everything is ruined after her confession. You wanted something solid....she got you to overcome her past trauma..it was a lesson for her to learn & for you...dont give your everything too soon untill you get married. Last---- learn your lessions & please move forward🙏❤️ Dont go back

Aaj kal ki Gen Z

No 2nd chance....be very sure of marrying to anyone

You have taken a step forward, now don’t look behind and keep walking away forward.

Did the confessor enquire about her past from her acquaintances? If no then why not? If yes then did he have details of her past? Why did she break up? Why was she still clinging on her ex? Why did she get physical with a guy who she met in arrange marriage setup before getting married? Why both could not wait till they finally married formally? Was she ticking some boxes lets see how is the physical intimacy after that she could decide whether to marry or not

Psychologically, marriage would be risky because her emotional attachment system appears to remain oriented toward her ex-partner, while her current relationship provides companionship and physical intimacy. Attachment theory suggests that a person’s primary emotional bond strongly influences feelings of security, longing, and commitment. Her statements that she wishes she were marrying her ex and thinks about him during intimacy indicate an unresolved attachment bond. From the perspective of cognitive dissonance theory, marrying you while emotionally wanting someone else could create persistent psychological conflict between her behavior and her internal feelings, potentially producing guilt, regret, or resentment. You could also become a “safe/secure choice” rather than the emotionally preferred partner, creating an unequal commitment. Over time, social comparison theory could lead you to compare yourself with the ex, damaging self-esteem and trust. Therefore, the concern isn't simply that she had a past relationship; it is that her emotional commitment appears directed elsewhere at the time of marriage. So strictly say No to marriage. Sit back alone and think, not by intellect but by your own intuition. You will get the answer. Forgive her , but never forgive the lesson that you learnt.

Honestly, I wouldn’t rush back into this relationship. Her confession wasn’t a small doubt—it was very clear and repeated. Her later reversal may be genuine, but it could also be panic after losing you. If you consider a second chance, no marriage commitment, no family pressure, individual therapy + couples counselling, and a long period of consistent actions rather than emotional promises. If she still genuinely chooses you after that, you can decide. But walking away is also completely reasonable. ❤️

My advice to every girl out there: If you don't wanna marry, then don't. Go live with your present bf or ex. If you or your bf are cowards to not be able to fight for your love then don't be in a relationship and don't knowingly destroy the lives of good men who want a family.

If you break up with her,She will imagine you while having intimacy with her future husband.

Don't ever believe in those who extort emotions and manipulate with suicide threats or slitting hands. Tell her to seek help and in the future if she ever wants to get married, she should heal first. Yes people have a hard time forgetting things but thinking about them, fantasizing about them, missing certain aspects of them and trying to groom you is just you acting as a rebound. Its not good as it affects you big time mentally as well. Cut it off as early as you can. The more efforts you put thinking you can help them or fix them is you yourself risking getting into toxic relationship which might leave you psychologically affected

This is standard bipolar behaviour. Only way this can work is if the women goes for psycho somatic therapy. Genuinely open to transform. It's tough and takes time but if she can truly heal because she wants to then you both can have a happy married life.

Just forgive her and don't marry her also becz this is your lif also don't spoil your life to fix her

This is not genuine. Once she marries you she will secretly ping her ex and might do things which will damage your life. Life partner is something you shouldn't choose with doubt. Walk away and run . You will find a better girl in future.

Run Munna Run

God gave you a chance.. Run as fast and as far from her as possible.

Go cold turkey man. Never look back. Her mental instability, emotional spirals are NOT your concerns anymore. You might need therapy because of her indecision.

You seem to be a nice man.. make your boundaries stronger.. you are not responsible for her message or her mental issues.. stay away from the people who don't have clarity

She is manipulative and only doing drama to console her parents that I tried but you refused, show the girl sympathy, empathy and send her some psychologist gift card with chocolates but NEVER think of marriage with her if you value your peaceful life else your mental health will be gone besides alimony and what not, you can't even think about it now how she plans to ruin your life.

She is still undecided or two states of mind. Probably the break up with her ex is recent and yet to move on. Overall, she sounds dramatic & likely to make your life miserable.

BLUF: If you have her confession consented as a documented evidence where it was explicitly mentioned she wouldn't put efforts on this marriage and thought of her ex while moaning with you, then my brother you have just dodged a bullet. If you giving this a second chance, you're digging your own grave. Recognize the pattern, find the anomaly in inconsistent behaviour, move TF on. Hope this doesn't turn out to be evil where she'll file a case for calling off the wedding while physically invested in you. I would've cover all bases just in case.

Too much of drama before marriage, you can imagjne your life after marriage 💀

Just leave it. You deserve a peaceful life. Your bad time all this happened . Once again just ignore that .all the very best for your future

Brother run 🏃‍♂️ save yourself from therapy sessions now and later. This marriage will not last.

boss.... Forget her and close the chapter ! do not invite garbage in your life.Peace.Period !

I read 1st 3 lines..sry.. My advice is move on.. not worth putting your efforts..

Just run my boi

To be honest, you have one life, that u have for urself. You are a stable man who want one wife, a family with beautiful kids.. Is it really worth to going for this women who have put everything into a jeopardy... Think about the things that is stopping you to see the red flags, is it the beauty, or do u like the thrill of let me get married and make her right? In April, I am sure she has met her ex to reconcile, because he said no, she came back to you to say that she is prepared. The timing has the detail, u had an ultimatum, she wants him and as soon as that is not possible, she said yes to you because u are her back up. Women will lie, good for you, your girl told u for what she is.. Take it as a warning and don't deny or be blind to any of the short coming or flaw

I don't think she is in the right frame of mind for even a relationship, let alone a marriage. And it's not your responsibility to fix her. Let her family and friends know that she needs help. And move on. Don't go down this road is my genuine advice to you.

As a woman I suggest you walk away . First , She has issues that are not your problem . Second , she may create issues in a different situation after marriage . Best to avoid .

You should have run the moment you saw the missing WhatsApp dp. Red flag 101 😂

Reading through yours confession,this entire situation is a major red flag. You shouldn't put up with someone who acts sweet on the surface while remaining mentally attached to someone else. ​Her remorse might be real, but staying will only lead to future resentment and manipulation. Openly stating that she thinks of her ex during intimacy shows a severe lack of respect for you. Have some self-respect and leave—she doesn't deserve a second chance. ​What proof of accountability are you even expecting? If she hasn't let go of her ex or bonded with you by now, she likely never will.

She is fickle minded and you are just an option in her life. Better not to cling for 7 months relation and land up in nightmare.what if her ex returns back after marriage? You deserve better one.move on.

Which chatgpt model did you use to write this story?? Let me guess the top 5.6 sol model just like your top model crap

No strictly no...... Let her stay with her ex..... whether he accepts her or not...

Tldr. This too shall pass, get well seen, get over her, listen to your heart, talk to a therapist, (insert generic advice)

Please walk away, my sincere advice. I have gone through the same 17 yrs back. It seems myb. story replaying in front of me. I followed my heart and not my mind resulting in 15yrs of spoilt and finally a broken marriage with a child suffering for our mistakes. Therefore, please don't go ahead. You have handled the situation very wisely till date and remember one thing, you can never repair a broken heart of a woman, who has divested herself to someone else earlier.

She is code RED. Dont go through the I will give her another chance. She will drag you through the same muck again. Her U turn after breakingbup of Roka might be due to her parents & families giving her their piece of mind. Saying you are letting a good guy go. Even she knows that you are a great man. Nobody will have this much patience with her. Please if you can get posted away from home turf leave the place for a short time. She has to resolve her issues first & then get back go being on the marriage scene. You are sorted, your thoughts are sorted. You sound like a sensible, grounded mature guy. Get back to your other interests & hobbies & passions in life. She & her family will deal with her problems

It is quite obvious that is needs to end and has a terrible future if pursued

Call off bro

As a woman, i can tell you she's a huge red flag and you need to make a run. She is still not over her ex, has communication issues, seems confused about you (is your feeling of self worth really that low that you would wanna give a 2nd chance to someone who has clearly told you shes still harboring feelings for her ex and has so far been toying with your feelings?) You deserve better, everyone and anyone deserves better than this

Run

Crazy person. Run.

Don't marry this red flag dude, she proabably Bipolar. If you marry her, be ready to manage this symptoms for the rest of your life. Run my dude run. Tujhe neele drum ki kasam 😂

Whatever the case is the person is extremely whimsical....it will be very difficult for anyone to keep up with such mood swings....how old she is... Her behaviour is next level immature....

If she was still not completely out of her previous relationship then she shouldn't have proceeded for a new one. If you marry her and things turn sour, she won't put efforts. These 2 things are the main reason I won't proceed with this marriage or any sort of communication with her, if I were in your shoe.

Run

Totally toxic. There is no need to analyse. Run!

Thank god. Plz move away

Red flag

You were rebound basically Please don’t go back

She's just a plain mean b***, excuse my language please. You man just dodged a bullet there, you're definitely hurting now but you deserve a better person for yourself..

If you are still thinking about her, you need to get some some testosterone injection. As a man make a decision and get out of it.

If you give her a second chance then later on we will see your death report like Sonam (bride ) along with her lover killed the husband Raja Raghuwanshi

From your post i can only say she sounds very immature. Its very difficult to lead a life with plans for future with some one who is dramatic not sure of what she needs. So this one thing is good reason enough to back off.

She isn't mentally stable. Not over her ex. She would do this again. Leave her . Taking her to therapy isn't you responsibility

Nutcase. Lifetime trauma. Attention seeking. Emotionally fragile.

You deserve a way better life and she needs therapy ...stop wasting ur time and move on

You already did everything a man can do. Don't let her get into your life. She's narcissist, will ruin your peace and life.

Simple: You: trying to break down things logically She: told clearly that she is not with you emotionally ever My guess: You will fall into the pit and face false cases, lose your money, parents, job, circle and come here with another confession Even God can’t bless you Mr Analytical Simp!

You have always been an 'option' only for her. Good that you came to know about all this before marriage. Afterwards it would have been a nightmare for you. Women, in general, are master manipulators. Do not take any decision emotionally. Thank God for the chance which saved you.

You got rid of her now forget all this & the marriage you dreamt with her won't work out anyways 😬

Run, as fast as you can and away from her. she wants drama with no accountability. Moreover, you will never believe what is being portrayed by her ever no matter the timeline. If anything goes south, she will tell you " did not I warn you that I would not work for this marriage". don't you love yourself, bro? like really asking, don't you love yourself?