Everyone keeps telling me, "Past is past." But I genuinely can't think that way. For me, the past isn't just history. It reflects how someone judged people, chose partners, and what qualities they valued while making those decisions. My girlfriend had a relationship and a situtionship before me. What I struggle with isn't that she had a past it's who she willingly chose. She knowingly accepted someone who drank, smoked, slept with multiple girls, ditched her, came back, and still saw him as "husband material." When I asked why, she simply said he was kind, funny, and that those other things "didn't affect her," so she never cared about them. He barely even cared or gave her any attention but still I she was obsessed with him. That's what completely shattered my respect. Those "other things" are exactly what I believe define someone's character. And she victimizes herself and blames the guy for being like that telling that, she thought her love would fix him. And if he realized she truly loved him, he would change. Shortly after breaking up with him, she developed feelings for another male friend. She told her friends she wanted to kiss him, called him a "green flag," let that guy lift her in water park, constantly checked his profile, and even begged him to stay after they stopped talking over a minor issue. At the same time, she was still talking to her ex, hoping things might work out there too. It felt like she emotionally kept both doors open instead of moving on from one relationship before investing herself in another. The hardest part is that she's genuinely caring today. She loves me deeply, has done so much for me, and is trying everything she can to save this relationship. But I can't stop thinking about what she was willing to tolerate and justify in the past. She repeatedly accepted people who treated her poorly, begged them to stay, and called it love. It makes me feel like I came into her life only after all that chaos like a backup. Trying to understand and make sense of her past took a huge toll on my mental health. She lied about her past a lot to me and i had to dig out the truths myself talking to other people and reading her chats. I spent months asking questions and explaining why I felt those choices reflected poor judgment, while she initially justified them or didn't see anything wrong. Even now, I don't know whether she has genuinely changed her mindset or simply agrees with me because she doesn't want to lose me, and that's what I can't make peace with. What do someone's relationship choices actually say about their character and judgment? Can repeated choices over several years genuinely reflect someone's standards, or am I giving the past too much importance? How can someone knowingly be attracted to and emotionally invest in a person who drinks, smokes, sleeps with multiple people, repeatedly leaves them, gives them little attention, and still see them as "husband material"? If someone says, "Those things didn't affect me, so I didn't care," does that indicate a fundamentally different way of evaluating people? Should I see that as a difference in values rather than just a mistake? If you lose respect for someone's judgment not because they had a past, but because of the type of people they willingly chose is that something a relationship can realistically recover from? Has anyone rebuilt that respect, or does it usually stay gone? If you were considering someone as a future spouse, would their repeated past choices influence your decision today? If yes, where would you draw the line between "people change" and "their past choices reveal who they were"?
Share your thoughts anonymously.
ℹ️ Your comment will be posted publicly on Facebook if it complies with our community guidelines.
My take is that she may have grown up in a toxic or dysfunctional family. That can make someone seek love from difficult people because it feels familiar. They may also develop an anxious attachment style, fear of abandonment, and self-sabotaging patterns. If she healed and then chose you, that's a big deal. If she hasn't, she'll likely keep repeating the same patterns. Lying about her past and juggling two men are definite red flags. If you've lost respect for her due to her choices, it'll probably never work. Some people can empathize and move past it. Others can't.
Repeated past choices matter. People don’t change completely over time. Basic nature stays the same. Your gf seems drawn to toxicity. So ask yourself — do you fit in her 'husband material' list? Choose peace over Chaos
People learn, evolve & mature over time & through various experiences. May be she has learnt all the valuable lessons & realised you are the best & most important for her life journey. I don't think she will ever betray you as she had already confessed you ARE the best choice for her. I think you can forgive & forget the bitter past if you admire her otherwise & are emotionally attracted to her. Give her & yourself one more chance to develope a healthy relationship & a genuinely strong bond. After u forgive her pls stop doubting & fighting. Be a matured man, think positive, have trust on The Almighty.
It's different for each one. What do you actually need or looking for in a relationship, find out that first. Then if your needs are aligned or not aligned with your current girlfriend..see that next. Then if her past is bothering you, you can try having an open conversation with her, put emphasis on what you feel and what you hope etc, don't use sentences like "you did this or you did that".
Reading it felt like it was my story! Very nicely put. Also, your questions, worries, doubts and observations are apt and genuine. I think a lot of factors are responsible for her behaviour. But the more you dig, the more you will get affected thinking about it. I can write a whole page on it. Anyways, I will get hate for suggesting this: 1st make up your mind whether you want to keep this relationship for marriage or a breakup. If you want a breakup, then I will advise you to enjoy and fulfill your fantasies as soon as possible before leaving her. Atleast you will not regret that you should have done this or that. Because forgetting someone you love deeply is not easy. It takes a long time. Till then enjoy the time and her company.
Childhood trauma in the form of lack of attention and love. That's the answer. That's why her past is like that. If she genuinely loves you, and has learnt from her mistakes, continue your relationship with her.
Ask her to take therapy it’s not her lack of judgement it seems to be deeply rooted in her childhood … talk to her how her family used to be did she get love and attention as a child or was she seeing her mother going through something unsettling in her own life and how her mother handled it? She has cared for her first one just on one thought might be her love will change him not beacuse she loved his bad habits She hides her past probably she is scared to be judged and no body was actually there when she really wanted to talk. Talk to her heart to heart but only if you are assured that once she opens up you won’t hurt her with your judgements whatsoever gets in your mind Please don’t say anything hurtful to her she seems to have endured a lot that she is just always holding up on people and doesn’t really know how to process. Her lack of judgement seems to be coming from being unheard or unloved in her childhood where she is just vulnerable.. please look into that aspect before coming to any conclusion and if you genuinely love her please accept with whatever she is coming with and help her navigate or else you can part ways but make sure as a friend you help her to resolve her things if there are any.
Love is blind🙂
It's natural for humans to make mistakes. But making the same mistakes again and hiding it and later justifying it instead of taking the accountability, that's alarming.
Breakup. Sooner the better. And if past is so important for you, then start asking &/ digging for it BEFORE starting another relationship. Because >> i had to dig out the truths myself talking to other people and reading her chats.>> This also doesn't look like a healthy mindset/approach. --- I would like to hear your Gf's story about her ex. ONLY thing I can see to call him 'husband material' is - he gave her pocketmoney and NEVER asked about her spendings.
You seem to have the same trait when choosing a girlfriend.. what did u find so compulsive to make her your girlfriend?
It's as old as humanity. As much as many women desire a matured, upright, honest and caring husband, there are women who derive pleasure is being with rowdy characters. It is an anathema that women like to be abused, made to cry, getting a couple of physical hits, scolded. Women desire such men to be rough in bed, smoke, drink and it is fact many women like such men. Every villain has got multiple affairs and girlfriends and every gentleman struggles with just 1 relationship
Throw that R back to the streets? Woman of respectable qualities don't have boyfriend, if they do they are 100 percent with good respectable men and both are preparing for marriage.
What about men? Some men stay in love with women who take them for granted and never respect them? Those men know how they are treated, but they accept scraps in relationships. What do you say about them ? She is immature, emotionally unstable, and doesn't know what's right for her. Most women change with time as and when they get a bit more mature. I was probably like your girlfriend in my early 20's, completely naive, immature, didn't know what was right and wrong. I loved men who didn't deserve any bit of attention from me but then, what can we do about it now. My sister, on the tour hand, was much smarter than me and made good choices but now she is divorced lol , and I am happily married. If you are not comfortable with her past then break up with her. But let me tell you that most women will have a past like this where she made questionable choices. Break up with her and go no-contact or accept her past and stop bothering yourself
Generally women (like men) now like to mess around when they are younger and after the age of 26 they realize that they should live in peace with a good man. Seems like most women nowadays need to get 1 or 2 bad guys out of their system. If they don't have those experiences by that age, that desire could go into their 30s. I think they are just submitting to hormonal urges and just want to have fun basically. Both are okay. Misconceiving feminism also contributes to this. I don't think it makes anyone a bad person but neither does having choices and preferences. For some reason, men are looked down upon when they have preferences but women can have all the unrealistic preferences in the world like wanting a man with: at least 6 feet height, fitness model physique, 2 Masters degrees, 9 figure salary, 2 homes and investments, no relationship, virgin, Greek God looks, 12 inch reproductive part, no friends, etc. But if a man says he doesn't like a girl with a mustache he's the devil. Most importantly though you need to let go of societal programming of what relationships, love and sexuality should look like so you stop suffering.
What was her age when she was doing those stupid things? Can be forgiven for once if done in teenage. But if done in 20s then ...
One good thing is there. Even if you break up with her, you can still have a casual s3x with her. Her character is like that. She always keeps feelings for ex.
Never accept a 2nd hand trash. Dont accept if seal is broken exists for a reason you know? Just have fun and then get rid of her like the others did. She is just timepass stuff and not wife material.
She is a bit retarded non need to feel sorry.
Leave her bro.
Give her from A****le and ditch her
Comments for Post #C27784
Submit Confession