Comments for Post #C27555

#C27555 Hi Everyone, In short, I am not interested in living and am looking for suggestions. This is a long post. I wrote it myself and used ChatGPT only to improve readability. I don’t know if this is the right place to post this, but after spending a lot of time talking to AI, I wanted to hear some human perspectives. There may be parts of this post that make you think poorly of me, and that’s okay. I would still appreciate honest thoughts or suggestions. For context, I am a 30-year-old, 178 cm, 75 kg, brown-skinned North Indian man. How I’ve Been Feeling This is not a sudden feeling. For more than six years, almost daily, there has been a constant background feeling that I don’t really want to continue living. It is not exactly that I want to die. Rather, I don’t see much reason or motivation to keep living. Most people seem to have something that matters to them—something that keeps them going. For me, nothing feels important. I don’t feel much emotional attachment toward anyone—family, friends, or others. What bothers me is that, rationally, I know this is not how a person should feel. I don’t want to be like this, but I haven’t been able to change it. Family and Emotional Disconnect My father died 8 years ago and my grandfather 8 months ago. My family includes my mother, younger brother, grandmother, and extended relatives. As ugly as it sounds, I hardly feel love or emotional connection toward them. It is not due to conflict; I simply don’t feel much emotionally toward people in general. I feel pathetic about not feeling what I think I should feel toward people close to me. Friendships and Social Life I had friends until Class 12, but after that, making or maintaining friendships became difficult. I have shared rooms, eaten, cooked, played, and gone on outings with people across different places and groups. Yet even after 1–2 years living together, I never felt a real connection. I changed cities, habits, and behaviors. I even drank when others did. I genuinely tried to fit in and build connections, but I couldn’t. There is no one I genuinely want to call or message. I do message a few people, but it feels hollow. I also have almost no female connections—no sister, girlfriend, or female friends, apart from a few colleagues over time. I tried sports and the gym, but I couldn’t stay consistent. Relationships and Loss Until college, I was not interested in relationships. I had a one-sided crush in Class 10 that I never got over, even though I never saw her again. During my internship, I spent ~3 months with a group including a female colleague. I eventually fell for her—first for how she spoke, then for her as a person. More than that, I liked who I was during that time. That phase ended, but she stayed in my mind for years. For the first time, I felt a void after someone left. Earlier, being alone never bothered me; after that, it started to. I don’t even know why I am mentioning this—I’m just trying to explain my experience. Thoughts About Life and Death I have had thoughts of ending my life for around six years. The main reason I didn’t act was that I didn’t want to leave my family in financial trouble, as I am the only earning member. Because of this, I bought a term insurance policy in 2023. I kept setting “deadlines”: • after 1 year of policy • after my brother finished education • after my brother got a job • father’s death anniversary • when One Piece ends • one day before turning 30 At each point, I seriously considered it. I planned things and sometimes was even at the exact place and time. There were moments I could have acted, but didn’t. Not because I wanted to live, but because I felt like I was too much of a coward—similar to how I feel about approaching people socially. Even then, I never wanted it to look intentional. I would prefer it appear accidental so no one feels guilty. Self-View I know I am a boring person. For the last four years, anime—especially One Piece—has been one of the few things keeping me going. I am an introvert, an overthinker, and have had sleep issues for at least 10 years. Until around 2019, I genuinely didn’t understand why people cheated in relationships. I couldn’t comprehend it. I was that naive, and still partly am. Where I Am Now I don’t actively want to die. I just don’t see a point in living when nothing makes me look forward to tomorrow. My brother has many qualities I lack. The only thing missing is income. Sometimes I think if he received insurance money, his life might be better than both of us struggling. I also worry about the future. I don’t feel I can manage alone. If I marry, I fear I won’t provide emotional support or physical intimacy (I’ve never experienced it and worry I may be impotent). I also fear betrayal, and even if nothing happens, I feel it would hurt deeply regardless. So overall, I don’t like my past or present, and I’m fairly certain I won’t like the future.