Comments for Post #C27577

Sister, you are a brave heart. I know what you are feeling. I have gone through the same stage for my father in law. He was in his last phase. We tried a lot, we removed his kidney, but it was already late. He kept asking me if he would be fine right? Can still remember those days, I lied. You know why? Bcz I was the only hope of him. He fought very hard. But ultimately I know the answer. I still remember the cried voice, beta you tried, now let me go. Not anymore. He knows, that's the time is up. Be proud of that moment you were with her. Do I cry? Yes I do. Do I have guilt. No, why! Bcz I was the hope man. I can't make him depressed. I was helpless, even trying everything I can't do anything. Only our presence that matters, nothing else. Next point, recently married, husband should show tantrums to his wife only. Don't think much, love him a lot. He will love you even more. My wife and I used to fight (love marriage in 2019, after a relationship from 2012), The first two years will be difficult for any one, who left their roots, even in such a difficult situation. But now I know both of us will be there for life. Spend some quality time, go for vacation, movie or cafe. Don't worry time will heal your pain. I don't want to speak a lot, but thought this might help you.

Let me break this to you upfront. Books, Videos, motivational speeches, everything and everyone are only to a certain limit. When our head hits the pillow to sleep and when we toss around unable to sleep - we need to talk to ourselves and that is what makes us slowly come out of the pain. I resigned from my well paying job to take care of my father for 2.5 years - from morning brushing teeth till night, 24*7*365, changing adult diapers, bath, food everything - one day suddenly he just took a deep breath in front of me and gone.....i stood there helplessly and shocked. It took me 2 years to come to terms that he is no more....even now after 4.5 years, i still look at his brush, which I haven't disposed off, his comb, his walker - he had walking difficulty, hearing issues and poor vision all due to age factor. Be friends with yourself - at night even our own shadow leaves us - what to speak about others - at the end we are born alone, live alone and die alone in this big world....chin up...

U have a beautiful heart. Do u have friends/ relatives who can help u navigate thru this phase with empathy n patience? If you are comfortable, dm me. Would love to hold a space thats safe, non judgemental. U can also try to learn a new hobby/skill/ art. Find a creative self expression…hope u feel better soon.

Grief hits hardest around & after the 1st anniversary. Not books or video you need to talk your grief & heartache out. You are extremely brilliant & very vocal about what you are going through. Please consult a grief counselor and talk your heart out. Bottling it in will make you more emotional & needy when you should be strong, steady & stable. A husband however he is should stand by you. You were newly married torn between filial duties & a newly wed wife. What if the roles were reversed and his parents were ill.. wouldnt you be his rock of Gibraltar. Please talk, talk & talk your grief & emotions.. you will be in a more secure & safe place mentally & emotionally.

Please look for a qualified psychologist to help you process what you went through. Do not consider a DIY approach as it will leave you broken further.

Please speak to a counsellor who will help you in processing the grief. As professionals, they can listen without getting affected or reacting. there are many free counselling services too. sometimes our family or spouse cannot help us as much as professionals can. Do take help. All will be well.

First of all, feel your grief. Cry and let yourself be broken for sometime. Rest assured the cosmos that got you here and has kept you here will ensure you aren't lost. Trust the universe. And Heal. Grief comes in waves. Feel it and you will transcend it in some time. Don't rush into being normal asap

Meditate lady I know the troubles of being a caretaker of a cancer patient I myself is managing my wife since 5.5 years she is metastic and in IVth stage. I feel like shouting and running away from everything but have to put up a false facade for the sake of sick wife and other family members Stay strong. Your husband 2 needs your support Every hospitalisation need me to sign DNR and it's always painful

1.spending time with cancer patient will take the soul out. 2.First breathe up and start approaching life in positive way. 3.Pain is inevitable but change how you suffer. 4.if possible consult with therapist and get help and come out slowly. 5.Have a soulful discussion with your husband and linear your relationship with your husband (make sure you two focus on you two alone for sometime- he will understand slowly). 6.Parents are irreplaceable losing them will rip apart kindly restart the life with positivity (if possible change homes; change your routines and get back to the current timeline)

Time is biggest healer. Talk things over with hubby. Over a period of time every thing becomes alright. Why don’t you both go on a vacation to rekindle your lost love

Try to read Journey of souls by Michael Newton It opens a new dimension to death and mourning As far as your painful memories Though it may feel harsh and unreal the best way to forget painful feelings is to tell yourself that it didn't happen or it's irrelevant to you whenever that memory comes up tell loudly that it's not true and it didn't happen. It may sound idiotic stil It helps you not to live and linger in the past

Keep telling yourself that she got a Mukthi from all the physical sufferings ,at least that is what Iam doing from last 10 years in my case . Some griefs are part of you, it gets carried our whole life ..travel and keep exploring to change your mind, once kids comes mind will get diverted alot 😊

Can't u talk to ur siblings about this maybe they can b ur shoulder to cry on . . . .

I would suggest counselling. This is grief that you are dealing with and if you can't vent it to your husband then do it with a professional. It will help you heal and move on in life. Your marriage and life deserve you ❣️ lots of love to you.

Hi ma, thanks about mentioning signing DNR; with you being a medical professional, your signing DNR helped me handle my grief of signing one for my dear father who passed away last Feb😪

Tell ur hubby that what you are going thru and he can able to understand. Already you have crossed 90 percent and just you need to pass the unforgettable mom stories.

Hi. I can only imagine how difficult things must be for you right now. Please stay strong and don’t lose hope. Even though it may not feel like it today, things can get better. I’d like to recommend a book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I found it to be inspiring, and it may offer you some hope and a fresh perspective during this challenging time. There’s also a video version available on YouTube if you prefer watching instead of reading. If you’d like, I’d be happy to send you the link to either the book or the video. Take care of yourself, and remember that you don’t have to face everything alone.

Talk to a psychologist who is good with handling grieving. It's a long road so don't force yourself to come out of everything quickly.. losing a parent is actually a life long missing so there is no really moving on like before, so don't force yourself to become normal... Your husband might be feeling unfair of facing this tough situation in newly wed phase , it's a grief for him too.. But not being there for you when you are visibly suffering says your priorities or values are different atleast at this stage... You haven't shared your life for long , so he couldn't take the fact that he should be so much giving in start of relationship.... YOU DONT AND SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE... Take a short break from whichever place you can - either from work or from your husband and deal with life one day at a time with your dad and siblings and husband if you are in same terms...

Take a grief management therapy..

Try hitting a gym / yoga / meditation / speaking to a psychologist counseling for better results. Hope this helps 🙏

Try grief counseling. --- And please STOP trying to find excuses for your husband. This all doesn't sound like he is 'perfect'. He doesn't understand priorities and is not 'supportive'. "But the frustration of not being able to spend time with his wife, made my husband burst into sudden temper tantrums and many late night fights." "There were times when my husband chose to fight when i needed him the most." "he's a person who will turn every intellectual discussion into an arguement just coz we have a difference of opinion." Try marriage counseling as well.

Caregiver's fatigue is a legitimate condition, don't try to do anything alone. Seek help. It will hit you very badly otherwise, I went to several neurologists during dad's illness and after his passing, thinking I had some neurological issues. Turned out, I was extremely anxious. It's not easy being the only care provider to ailing parents. Running pillar to post for their diagnosis, making hard decisions. Being in cancer hospitals, seeing other patients and finally seeing them pass away.. and then these unpleasant fights, guilt tripping by the others. Being in the medical fraternity, I am sure you know how your gut, sleep, emotions, brain, body are all interlinked. Seek help before it's late. YouTube isn't going to help. Nothing will help immediately. Reserve your energy for the right things. Not everything and everyone needs a reply. Even if it's your husband. Meet with a good psychiatrist. unload the burden, get well soon. Once you feel life is a bit in control, start with pranayam, yoga, meditation, chanting shloka, bhagavadgita or whatever soothes you. All the best.

I was with my mom during last leg of her oncology journey and it left a lasting impression in me . Couple of things that worked for me Learned to lean on to god and no one else and that build my trust and peace of mind Realizing that departed souls can feel their loved ones emotions made it easier for me to make peace with my mom’s death .instead of thinking bad things that happened to her I diverted my mind to see good in it - ex : god let her live till her late 60’s while youngsters are going early . Every time I think of her I thank her for all she had done for me and our family and ask god to get the highest level / be one with him . Day in and out praying for this now I feel she is with god and I feel at peace Please find a good grief counselor or therapist and talk to them. Trust me it really works For me talking to therapist worked . Her name is Dr Hamna labeeb who I came across via instagram .

Start focusing on little things like soil, flower, trees, plants, leaves, Grass. Nature should be able to help you during the day. At night as Ravi above stated start talking to youself, only you can be your healer.

I think take a break,go for a vacation and give urself time to heal then start focusing on your life with husband.Loosing a parent is always hard but losing this way is hardest but still we have to live so try to have a better life .give time to your husband forget the fights and give it a chance.

You must have lied to your mother but when a person is dying he or she knows this very ell that his or her time is up. Give time some time. I usually listen to Rajsheeh osho youtube videos in Hindi. They might help you relax.

Go to therapy! If you can’t talk to your husband, talk to a therapist! It seems like you have PTSD from taking care of your mother and arguing with your husband at the same time. Go, see a therapist. They will help you with most of your problems.

Wow, you are one of the strongest people I know. Your mom must be incredibly proud of you. Take your time to heal. Please share your pain/trauma to any closed loved one. Not necessarily just your husband.

Madam after marriage people enjoy with n u hv to take care ..any husband will support but end he cannot ignore his feelings.. U hv not handled well I will say..n Saadi ke bad ladki ka aski Ghar uska sasural hota hai..always remeber

Brb

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1DeyYU8fhp/ You might want to share your thoughts and have a conversation here.

First, I want to acknowledge something important, what you went through was not just the loss of a mother. You spent months being a caregiver, a medical decision maker, a daughter trying to preserve hope, and a newly married woman trying to hold together two families and a relationship at the same time. That is an enormous emotional burden for any one person to carry. What you're describing sounds less like "normal sadness" and more like delayed processing of a prolonged traumatic experience. During your mother's illness, you didn't have the luxury of grieving. You had responsibilities. Your mind went into survival mode, making decisions, handling emergencies, protecting your father, supporting your mother, and managing your marriage. Now that the crisis is over, your brain finally has the space to revisit everything it had temporarily put aside. The flashbacks of tube feeding, dressing wounds, cleaning vomit, signing the DNR, and the conversations where you had to protect your mother's hope are not signs that you're failing to cope. They are signs that your mind is trying to process experiences that were too overwhelming to fully feel at the time. One thing that stood out to me is your guilt about "lying" to your mother. Many caregivers carry this burden. But there is a difference between deception and compassion. You were trying to preserve hope and dignity for someone you loved while facing a reality that was devastating. Most people in your position would have done the same. Also, please don't underestimate the impact of feeling emotionally alone during that period. Even when people around us are supportive, if we don't feel fully understood or safe enough to share our deepest fears, some part of the grief remains unspoken. If you're looking for resources, books such as The Grieving Brain and It's OK That You're Not OK may resonate with you because they address grief beyond clichés and acknowledge the reality of profound loss. Most importantly, you do not have to figure this out entirely on your own. Being from a medical background often makes us excellent at understanding other people's pain, but not necessarily our own. Sometimes even the most self-aware people benefit from speaking to a grief counsellor or therapist, not because they're unable to cope, but because they finally deserve a space where they don't have to be the strong one. Nine months may sound like a long time on a calendar, but in the context of losing a parent after being their primary caregiver, it is still very early. Be gentle with yourself. The fact that you miss her this deeply is not evidence that you're stuck, it is evidence that you loved her deeply. And sometimes grief is simply love that no longer has a place to go.

If you are a bit comfortable with your sibling, then share your thoughts and fears with him. Siblings are often pillar of strength. Sometimes we think that brother or sister can't help or understand as they are young but talking to your brother will only help. Other course of action is talking to a therapist to let it all out of your chest. My condolences and best wishes.

You need a "FRIEND"

Professional counseling plz.. you have gone through a lot on your own.. you need someone to listen without being judgemental & also help you navigate your loss.. all the best to you x

Don’t have everything bottled up,start sharing ur feelings with those close to you… No need to put a brave face… what you have faced is painful and you need to heal… try seeking therapy /counselling

Been there, saw a DNR being signed by my sister, it feels like signing a death warrant.. family will not and may not ever understand the pain that you are going through, first few months will almost feel like a movie clip playing as soon as you close your eyes, here is the beauty of life though, you will eventually heal, focus on your well-being, it worked for me, clean eating, work out, look at the positives that you have in life and slowly rebuild..step by step slowly, take your time..learn something new everyday..

Huge respect. Reality is we all are very different. We have our real life issues that people around dont understand but its fine. I suggest you to stay strong and now give respect and time to your relationship eith husband. Things cant changed. We can work on our present to make future better. I also stay in my past sometime but i know.. future is beautiful and present is adorable

I will keep it short, dont keep things in your heart, let it out either to your trusted friend or find someone who would listen to you . Keeping things in heart will take you closer to depression

I hope u give yourself time to grief and heal. U have been the perfect daughter so far. Loss of a parent can never be forgotten , we only learn to live with it. I hope u find solace that u were beside ur mother and served her to the end . ❤️ slowly but surely.. having friends to share and brighten ur day helps alot..

Do it through a youtube channel

Just tell ur husband in private, U r fighting within urself to prove the marriage is working n will work. But everytime, you r finding it very hard to defend a husband, who is "FAILING AS A HUSBAND" to fullfil the responsibility of a husband n taking every chance to punish his wife, who has struggled n lost her mom.

You can’t do this on your own/ you have ptsd which needs psychiatric help and bereavement counselling. Also marriage counselling if your spouse is open for it

You are okeyy. Be confident

More power to you brave girl 💪💝 You can go for grief counselling.I am a consultant psychologist,if you want you can get in touch with me.Take care.💖

Stay strong, as a medical professional though you know death is a part of life, i can understand it is harder to process when one loses someone so close. Maybe try seeing a grief counsellor if you are not open to talking with your family.

1. Read "The Loss Prescription," "When Breath Becomes Air" (super relatable for doctors/health professionals, mind-blowing), "The Grieving Brain" and "Meditations" (the last one is by Marcus Aurilius, the great Roman Emperor & Stoic philosopher. It's different from others as it teaches emotional discipline and stoicism in general: you don't need to become a Baba/ascetic; ability to detach from troubling emotions at will helps in general.) 2. You can join Stoic, Stoicism, and AskOldMen subreddit forums on Reddit and seek advice and ask your questions. You not only get brilliant, insightful pieces of advice from great Stoics and wise, life-experienced people but also get the opportunity to interact in an emotionally healthy way as well as vent your emotions, hear others' perspective and stories of overcoming similar loss, empathize with them, and learn about life at a deeper level. Hope that helps. Stoicism, Stoics subreddits also have links to great Stoic philosophers' principles, books, and their analysis articles. Hope that helps. PS: As you didn't tell your husband the severity of your mother's illness, he couldn't have been aware, or he would have responded with deeper empathy. Don't hold him guilty. And you did a great job, so be proud of your daughterly care, and cherish the memories that you were able to spend time with her and serve her in her last days. You also did a great job by not badmouthing your in-laws and instead providing your mother with the peace she deserved. PPS: A resident doctor killed my dad right in front of my eyes by choking him while trying to intubate and save him, and I couldn't be more thankful to her! 🙏 Trust me, having parents whose death you genuinely grieve is the BIGGEST EVER but least-talked about blessing in the world.

Grief takes time. Its different for different people. I lost my father and was in deep depression for 2-3 years. Therapy, meditation and medication got me out. N my husband, kid, understood my problem. They supported me 1000%. I had severe anxiety, panic attacks and would cry non stop. You are from medical profession, seek professional help. Today it's 5 years when i look back, it was a very dark place. Look for support pls. You can't tackle this alone. N videos etc dont help.

Being a caregiver for a terminal cancer patient is one of the most difficult things in life. Try talking to a professional therapist for help.

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Talk therapy is needed, never stop talking....find new friends, sympathisers, relatives, your family , husband family and talk out all feelings you have kept inside somuchso that you had to cry in the midnight, that's too much kept inside.... And husband needs to be one of your ardent listeners....take him somewhere with advance booking for a 7 days listening session....he should just shut up and only listen, that's gonna be your best holiday, or call it therapy...