Comments for Post #C27253

#C27253 29M Hyderabad 13 LPA: Apologies in advance if the thoughts seem too messed up but I just had to express it today. I am currently satisfied with the way I live and somehow I should not be complaining, but there seems to be something wrong in my world and I do not understand what is that, despite spending years working on myself. And this very fact is giving me even more anxiety now that I am growing old. I have realized for a fact that I am not a money minded person and I do not wish to have extravagant things in life. I take pleasure in books, walks, music and the quietness of weekends and free time, and pretty much spend time alone or with my family. I do not own many things, not even a car or bike and I somehow do not think much about them either. While everything is fine this way, sometimes I get hit with a pang of remorse over what kind of person I am and how I am turning out to be a lazy and unambitious person. I am constantly worried about what will happen to me financially if any medical emergency strikes my family and I will not have the money at disposal to do anything about it. Coming from a lower middle class family, I feel this fear is somehow ingrained in my mind. I am at an age where all my colleagues and friends are getting married and although I have very consciously taken a decision not to have a marriage or have children, I feel like I am just being dismissive to have it easy. I have had this conversation about marriage several times with myself and no single thought wants me to be with someone and then go on to have a family. It is a lot of work and I do not accept it for myself because I know that I will be a miserable person myself and ruin their life as well. I think I will never be mentally or financially prepared to have a family of my own and I am fine with it except the few times the doubts creep in. The thought of a partner is still fine, but I do not think women are ready to have a childless marriage. Not generalizing but this is what I have seen in all my interactions with women. When I once happened to talk about not wanting kids in life, but as a third person point of view to not let them have rumors spread about me, my colleagues always laughed at it and seemed to talk ill or insulting about men not wanting children. Is that really how people still think? It feels like my brain is eating itself away and no matter what I do to make things better in life, every few months I find myself getting stuck in the same rut of shame, doubt and dissatisfaction. I don't know what to do. Career, money, fun, family, social status, meaning and purpose and so many things in life are all I think about constantly all day. I feel horrible that at 29, I still writhe in the instability of my own mind and cannot have a stable emotional self to cruise through life. I am constantly anxious and even the smallest of things is making me sob and weep. When days get better, I put my best self forward and life seems so promising and beautiful, then something happens and I don't know why but even getting up from bed to go about my day feels very difficult. Thank you for reading this people. God bless you guys.